Saturday, February 18, 2012

Speaking to the empty space of this blog....

So I know no one is reading this but I have to tell someone so here goes...On Monday Feb 20th - I am scheduled to see the doctor in Grove OK about the Lapband. He is having a special on pricing and I hope that I qualify since I am a self pay.  I am a nervous wreak and its all I think about. What if I go in and he tells me I am to large for the higher price??  I can't afford it if its much more then 10,000 and I am now so looking forward to the changes that I can barely contain myself.

Not an hour goes by where I do not think about the possibilities of being skinny.  The last time I was in the 100's I was like in 5th grade.  I have been big every since I was child.  Recently I found out it was because I was  was depressed.

In November of 2010 - Veterans day - my husband - Stephen - and I spent my entire day off fighting like cats and dogs. Back then we did not fight like gripe gripe and then done.  It was full on scream fest with both of us threatening divorce.  Finally I stopped and saw myself and could not figure out who I was.  Why was I acting like this?  He really is not this bad of a person - why am I so hostile and then it hit me.  I have that terrible disease that I have long since thought passed me even though every other woman in my family had it.  I had DEPRESSION! 

Not a week later, I went to the doctor and we got me on some great meds. I started seeing results in about a week.  I have been on the meds for 3 months now and our life is so different. We do not fight - we enjoy each others company, he is helping around the house AND I see it, and believe it or not somehow it has impacted the way we spend money and we are saving money much more then ever before. 

I had thought about weight loss surgery for years but rarely gave it much thought because I was so attached to food.  It was what comforted me when everything else let me down....why would I give up the ability to eat as I pleased and what I wanted??  After the meds kicked in - I started noticing a clear change in my mentality toward food.  I did not have to have it.  I ate when I was hungry.  I ate chocolate like once a few weeks instead of daily.  I do still have a love for Dr. Pepper though. 

I mentioned it in passing to Stephen that maybe one day I could get the lap band but I left it at that.  He spent one night after I went to bed researching it and then found this great deal by a surgeon about an hour away.  Then to my amazement we got approved for financing for 77% of the surgery.  '

So here I am....two days from the day of truth...the day I learn if all this excitement and dreaming was worth it.  The day I find out if I will be spending the amount of money some people spend on used vehicles to get a few incisions and a band around my stomach.  Will I be spending thousands of dollars to be on a liquid diet for two weeks....for the start of weight loss that will continue with thousands more on plastic surgery for loose skin - for a surgery that will put me at a weight that I have not seen since I was a small child!!

There are cons..I am not going to lie and my husband and I are prepared to accept big one is that if I loose all this weight, I do not expect to want to have another child for quite a few years.  I am quite content with my wonderful daughter but Stephen really wants a boy.  With the money we are spending, we could pay off my car - renovate our master bathroom - pay 1/7 of our house off....but instead we are going to spend it on me....I kinda feel bad..then I go look at the thousands of success stories and before and after pics and remind myself that there is a very large possibility that by my five year anniversary with my husband March 22, 2013 - I may be able to buy a dress for our date that is strapless and in the normal section instead of the plus size.  I have NEVER bought clothes that were not in the plus size section (and all those big girls out there know just like I do that those close are always so much prettier then the ones they make for us)!!


  1. Well,I am reading this and I don't really know what to say and that's unusual for me! LOL I have never been overweight but we all have some kind of demon that eats at us. It's alot of money but if this will make you happy about youself and you have done tons of research, then I say do it! But if you back out then there is nothing wrong with that either! This has to be YOUR decision with lots of prayer about it.

  2. I say "Good for you!!!" I had friend in high school who had the surgery and she is super skinny now… I barely recognized her! She did not have any problems with hers so I hope it goes the same for you. As for feeling guilty… you of all people should not feel guilty. You work so hard for your family, working full time, teaching classes on the side (basically another full time job), being a student working on your doctorate, and being a good wife and mom. You deserve to do something for yourself and just think how much better you will feel which will only make you an even better wife and mom. I will be praying for you and can't wait to find out what the doctor says. You go girl!!!